Ahhh…the beginning of a relationship, butterflies, sweaty palms, everything they say is brilliant, and the sex is to die for. We have all had these feelings when we meet that special someone. Can’t stop smiling, can’t stop talking about them, can’t stop thinking about them and can’t wait to see them again. These feelings happen when you meet your match, due to the brain secreting Dopamine and Norepinephrine, which will feel euphoric. You won’t need much sleep or food, but will experience increased energy and happiness.

These feelings will draw you to your match in the form of touch and increased libido. You will feel like having sex constantly and always touching your partner. This stage of love is called Lust/Attraction. Your new partner can be annoying, but it will seem cute. They may show some unfavorable traits, but we overlook them, because those hormones are pumping. During this period of increased sex, oxytocin will be flowing, leading to an “attachment” of your partner.

Hormones that are free-flowing and cause the lust and passion will slowly start to regulate. I always say that it is almost like our body becomes desensitized to these amazing chemicals. Our brains begin to realize that we cannot stay at this heightened level, so regulation starts to take place. It is about this time that we begin to become annoyed with our partners idiocentricities that were once cute.

What can we do? The average length of a marriage is 7-8 years, before ending in divorce. Therefore, this is when the work needs to happen. If we don’t want to become a statistic, and we want to continue having this in love feeling, we will need to make the effort every day. 

First, understand that if we chose this person, it is inevitable that the love chemicals are going to wane, therefore, we will need to choose this person, every day. This means:

• Something that I tell my clients is that they get to decide to love their person forever. It is a choice to every day to wake up and choose them as the person to love and find interesting. 
• Speak to your partner using their “love language”. Yes, this thin and simple book is right on. When my partner uses my love language (acts of service), I feel heard,  understood and loved. This in turn will be to my partners benefit!
• Prioritize them. I can’t tell you how many people tell me that their partner is their priority, yet many times they will cancel plans with their spouse when someone wants them to work late, or hang out, etc., Treat your partner as an extension of you.
• Do not change things or let yourself go, once you have walked down the aisle. Yes, I know that many people are going to get very angry about this one, but I have seen more times than I care to mention, a “bait and switch”. I have had clients who were active in the gym or running marathons, and once married, completely stop exercising, gain a lot of weight and then get angry at their spouse for being upset. I have had partners say“I always hated going to his college basketball games, so now that we are married, I am not going anymore” The spouse had no idea that she hated going because she always acted enthusiastic to go. The old saying goes like this “women marry men and hope to change them and men marry women and hope they will never change”. Remember, they fell in love with who you are…do you think that love will last if you become someone different?
• Plan date nights and plan on physical intimacy. Going on a date and spending uninterrupted time together will recreate some of the feelings of desire. Sex and orgasms will help to secrete oxytocin, which will create a deeper bonding toward each other. 

My parents were married for almost 60 years before my dad died and I can honestly say that my father always looked at my mom as if she was the most beautiful woman on the planet, and that this was his best friend. They honestly had very little in common. He was an extrovert and she was more comfortable staying in and reading a good book, but they chose each other, and they seemed to be in love until the day he passed. 

If we know from the start that it is natural to have these feelings starts to dissipate, plan accordingly, and see the love stay alive.